Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Journey to the center of the earth!

What with the recent release of the new Disney movie to DVD, lots of people are giving new thought to that old question: What’s going on at the center of the earth? Yeah, sure they have that theory about magma. The warm, chewy, center of the earth that keeps us all warm and grounded and, yadda, yadda, yadda. Whatever. I’m no scientist, so that explanation just isn’t very interesting to me. Therefore it doesn’t seem sound.
So after much research and, I don’t mind telling you, considerable camping, which I hate, I can tell you my story. Yes, it is a difficult story, but such is the price for the noble pursuit of truth.
In short I went to see for myself.
First, when undertaking any new task, a smart girl will go to the library. This is true whether she wants to learn about the best way to lose her virginity, or make the perfect martini. And if she’s done her homework, she will see that it’s best if she combines both to achieve a gratifying out come. But that is a story for another day.
One of the first names I came upon was John Cleves Symmes Junior. Who like all his men in his day called themselves a scientist if they could afford a globe, a magnifying glass and knew the Latin word for sponge. It was he that put forth The Hollow Earth Therory. Did he do it first? I don’t know. (The new copy of Vogue distracted me. Gosh, Jennifer Aniston looks good these days! Not too spray-tanned, you know? Oh, that Angelina Jolie I don’t know whether to lover her, or hate her? Anyway.)
It was it John Cleves Symmes Jr.’s theory that the entrance to the hollow earth could be found at the poles. Why? Because no one had yet to go there, and they were a perfect place to hide entrances to secret places since who would want to go there. They were terrible by all accounts. All very bleak windy and so cold that anybody whoever tried invariably ended up eating their dogs. The ones they brought with them I mean.
However, this being the adventurous time that it was and everyone believing anything Jules Vern and their ilk would write about places that were hard to get to i.e. under the sea, the moon, etc. There were those crazy enough to try. What they found was a lot of ice, magnetic north and eternal sunlight, and need I say it…more ice.
So I had a theory of my own. If there was a Hollow earth and if in fact it was, as hypothesized inhabited by intelligent creatures often referred to (and quite presumptuously, I think), as Mole Men, then these fellows must surely know about us even if not all of us know about them. What with all our building, drilling, and underground nuclear testing. I bet they have more than guessed that they have noisy tenants living up stairs. With this being said if we have yet to find them, it is because they don’t want to be found.
In my vast experience with hiding things I have always found that right out in plain site is always best. So with this in mind I looked over many charts and maps and decided that the best place for me to look would be Oahu, Hawaii. First because it is lovely this time of year, and what place could be more crowded than the beach at Waikiki? Well, no sooner had I applied my sun block 28, did I notice a small opening behind the third palm tree on the left, pool side at The Royal Hawaiian. There carved at the opening were the initials A.S. Had Adam Sandler been there before me? It was a chance I had to take.
After a quick salad and pineapple daiquiri I went back to my suite to pack. Camping gear, (ugh) fetching khaki hiking togs, with pith helmet and buff hiking boots. Adorable! I was off.
I will spare you the boring details. Let’s just say, dark, at times desperate and seemingly unending. Much like any office Christmas party you’ve ever been to.
But after, what I guess by my watch, to be the third day I noticed two things, my hair was beginning to frizz and there was a warm glow emitting from a relatively short distance ahead of me. I took this to mean that the moisture content of the air was rising and that I was nearing my destination. I quickly massaged some de fizzing lotion in my hair and headed toward that light with new found resolve.
It was for me sometime the following day that I came to the edge of the city at the center of the earth! It was an incredibly humid and hot place with strange vegetation and stranger yet creatures.
If you’ve ever spent anytime in Georgia then you’ll know what I am talking about. The people were incredibly friendly and yet I had a feeling that it didn’t necessarily mean they liked you.
Most of the food they ate was fried and appeared to have cheese on it. Even the cheese they ate had cheese on it.
I don’t mean to sound like they weren’t lovely in their own way. They were dear, short-ish, pale, little, darlings. They said, please, and thank you, and were far more gracious then most of my friends. In fact I just received a charming Thank You card from them for a small trinket I gave them. My Blow dryer. At first it might have seemed a thoughtless gift, what with the male pattern baldness, (on the women too!) but they seemed to want it.
You can’t fault them for their love of the basic black turtlenecks. It’s a classic. Also Vintage Hoover vacuum cleaners are kinda cool. If not an odd thing to have as a collective fad.
When my time to leave had come, my new friends showed me the “other” pathway home. Intrigued I headed out resupplied with some fried bananas and fried granola with cheese on the side.
I’ll make this part of the story short since it was exactly the same, only going up and getting cooler.
Well, you’ll never guess where I came out? New England. It’s true. Check it out yourself on a globe.
The Mole People told me that they sometime come to the surface. But only for Hoover Vacuum Cleaners. That and to leave their balls of laundry out to dry over night once in awhile.


Ana said...

Bev, you are spectacular! And these mole men! Where might a girl pick her up one of these? I love a man who says "please"!

My word verification was nomalwoo. Sounds like a good mole man name.

Eva said...

What I wouldn't give to go on a road trip with you!...

I personally think that the Earth is made of chocolate with a chewy caramel center, but that's just me... or my cravings...

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Alright you two, if you pick the place, I'll go! We'll pack a picnic lunch and giggle the whole time!