Monday, May 18, 2009

Loves Wicked Ways


It was a dark and stormy night. There was a flash of thunder and a crash of lighting. Her bosom heaved and so did he. Her head told her this was wrong, but her heart said it was inevitable. Her appendix was keeping it’s opinion to it’s self.
He came from he wrong side of the tracks. He was poor, but brilliant. Unfortunately he was not brilliant in any practical, money making way. He could always find the perfect row to sit in at the movies. He was a genius at getting a good parking spot. He was a champion at board games. Not that this helped him to actually sink any battleships or monopolize any real estate holdings. Nor could he find Australasia on a normal map, never mind defend it from an enemy. However he was incredibly handsome. So handsome in fact that everyone who met him, instinctively dislike him.
But not her, she was blind to his handsomeness. Well, in fact she was not blind, just very nearsighted. And she was always misplacing her glasses. By the time she had found them and could see just how handsome he was, it was too late. She was in love.
Her beauty was second only to her sisters. But recently her sister had been really stressed out and had gained a lot of weight over the past summer, so in fact it could be said that that if you weren’t into slightly zaftig women she was actually just as beautiful as her sister. It was really 50/50. Six of one, half a dozen of another. Ugh, it was close enough.
She was rich and had a plucky spirit. But a short attention span. But honestly, it’s much easier to maintain a plucky spirit if you are distracted all the time.
Outside it was a downpour. The gods wept and the angels threw temper tantrums. But there in her father’s mansion alone, the two young lovers knew nothing, but the warmth of each other’s hearts and that it appeared he was allergic to shellfish. After a quick shower and a change of shirts he was back holding her in his arms and all was right with the world. Well, at least their part of the world. They were both not big readers, nor did they watch a lot of news on TV. So for them things were going pretty good.
“Marry me darling,” he said. “ We will live off of your fortune, and I will give you beautiful children. We will help the economy by spending lots of money everywhere.”
“Oh sweetheart, that sounds lovely. Can we drive a ecologically friendly car too?”
“Yes, of course my dearest if you wish but not one that is too slow, or too small, you know something cool looking too.“
“Yes, my sweeting, what ever you think best.”
And the two of them lived very, happily ever after. Thus driving all that knew them nuts with how easy everything came to them and how oblivious they were to it.

21 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you've invented a new genre in romantic fiction. I get the feeling she was attracted to his body odour as well.

mapstew said...

See Bev, all you need to do is walk straight up to JT next time you see him and tell him this story!

FrankandMary said...

I am pretty sure this embraces reality much more than most of what I read. No Philistine ingrates,they. ~Mary

aishoka said...

I, too, instinctively distrust good-looking people. But I liked you fine after I got to know you.

Ana said...

"Her bosom heaved and so did he." The best use of zeugma I've seen in years. LOVE IT!

Embee said...

very amusing and fun to read!

Scarlet-Blue said...

Sounds like my life story!
Sx

Borah said...

What a man! Do you think he has a brother who's still available?

Sun Up said...

That made me crack a grin. I'm pregnant, moody and hormonal. You may have single handedly stopped me from making someone's child cry or choking someone.

SquirrelQueen said...

Wickedly amusing, and did we determine if he has a brother?

SQ

Helene said...

lol ironic ending... the opposite of the song Jack and Diane!
loved this line,'The gods wept and the angels threw temper tantrums'

Songwraith said...

Truly an entertaining read! Thanks!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Very funny, I know people with lives like this...

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Dearest GB.: Yes, of course you are right. I assume it would be something akin to saddle soap, a fine whiskey, and of course his inate manliness.

Darling Mapstew: If only I had the courage! Then he would be sure to fall in love and write a song about me.

Frank and Mary: I agree, only my story has less repetition then the average romance novel. I guess cause they are so confusing... ?

Aishoka: Your so good to me. But then you would be, being both beautiful on the inside as well as the outside!

Ana: I think I summered on Zeugma Beach.

Embee: Thank you. It was silly but fun to write.

Scarlet: My sister in red, you need to write that down girl!

Borah: I fear he would have a brother more interesting but less handsome. Not that, that is a bad thing. As long as they come in equal parts.

Sun: Thanks. Any thing I can do to help a fellow woman get through a day making a baby and at the same time taking care of them happy. I am happy. keep up the good work!

Squirrel Queen, Darlin if they are two then you and Borah get them, I promise! Write me back and let me know how your chapters come out!

Helene: Thank You! I feel certain that I am not far off from the kind of descriptions actually used. It would make a good writing exercise. How over the top can you make your descriptions.It could be a funny read!

Songwraith: No thank you for stopping by! Please visit again:)

LuLu: Your so cool. I bet you have some stories to tell! By the way, were they bugs? I bet they can lead sordid lives!

the projectivist said...

i loved it!
one of my favourite bits:
“Marry me darling,” he said. “ We will live off of your fortune, and I will give you beautiful children. We will help the economy by spending lots of money everywhere.”

oh the romance!

mutleythedog said...

I have a lead on a selection of eco friendly vehicles should they be interested... they can spend their money with me an boost my economy! Also I am uop for a 'threesome' should that be 'on the cards'....

Eva said...

Fantastic! I love it and I can't stop laughing too (and so is Emma by proxy ;o)

The Topiary Cow said...

Finally, a romance worth reading!

Except for the signal lack of Topiary, this was a perfect story.

Moo!

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Dear Projectikins:Thank You you are so kind. I like you site a lot. I thought it might be easy work to try and write a real romance novel. But I kept hearing screaming. It turned out it was coming from me!

Dear Multi: I wouldn't put anything past these two! Send over those glossy car catalogs and I am sure they will pick up two or three. One for each of you!

Eva: Your back in the world!

Toppy! Your so right! I feel foolish.I was so close to genius, and yet too far.

Annyara Polanco said...

This is a really nice work you're doing here, hope you fulfill your expectations...Thank you for following my blog and keep doing such a good wook.

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