Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Murder On Heartbreak Road

Murder On Heartbreak Road

You see the thing about Linda was, that she was stupid. And like a lot of stupid people, she was also loud. Yes, Linda Reynolds was a loud, blousy, over bleached blonde, who had no idea how dumb she was.
Not being bright alone is fine. Everyone is stupid when it comes to something. Now, I don’t know this for a fact, but I like to think Albert Einstein had no rhythm. He understood the workings of the universe both on a technical scale and also a hypothetical one, but when it came to Salsa dancing he was a mess. Lucile Ball was a genius when it came to comic timing. But she couldn’t drive stick. Again, these are not facts, but for me the idea brings a certain fairness and order to the world.
The only natural gifts that Linda’s possessed were her breasts. They were large and they were real. Not so big as to be thought comical. Or even so big as to not be taken seriously. Which might have been a blessing considering her intellect. No, she had none of that Marilyn Monroe charm. But it was enough to get her married to a lawyer and moved out of her blue-collar town and into the house across the street from me.
Ted Reynolds her husband, was going so be someone someday. They both knew it. For Ted, Linda fit the bill for his plans perfectly. Someday he would be senator Ted Reynolds and there she would stand next to him. Being, pretty, blonde and thinking everything that came out of his mouth was brilliant and original. All this while, at the
same time having big breasts. He would someday soon give her a behemoth brick house crammed onto one and a half acre lot in a new town. A better town. One where new money would waft in the air like the new car smell in the leather interior of so many of her better friends shiny and always new SUVs. In return she would give him good-looking children and not ask too many questions. They were perfect for each other.
That is, right up until Linda was found dead. Bludgeoned to death on her spotless kitchen floor.
Linda had lived on my street for the past four years. I was one of her best friends and I never liked her. But she never noticed. For the sake of maintaining order in our peaceful neighborhood, I never brought it up. It was always so much easier to let her babble on for a while, then excuse yourself because of the kids, the dog, or anything that you could think of, not to make waves. I mean it wasn’t like she was going to catch on. So you can imagine my shock when I had heard that someone had bashed in Linda’s head. Especially when it had occurred to me to do it myself on so many occasions.
I know how this makes me sound. Sure I was stunned. I was upset. When you think of something like that happening right across the street. I mean when you really stop and think that a person passed right by your house, on their way to commit murder. Well, it’s horrible. Linda was annoying, but certainly not evil. She didn’t deserve to die violently and alone.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes we like other people a little more evil than annoying.
The first half felt very Dorothy Parker~Big Blonde. ~Mary

Ana said...

Yee heeeeee! I'm so glad to see this! Keep it comin', girl. Uh-huh.

aishoka said...


Gorilla Bananas said...

At which point our smart, sassy narrator-cum-PI starts investigating the murder.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Desperate Housewives - eat your hearts out!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Can you send the murderer round to deal with some of my annoying neighbours?

mapstew said...

I'm scared...

Anonymous said...

Maybe she just slipped? Its possible...

Madame DeFarge said...

Urgh, I posted a comment last night and it's disappeared. Anyway, liked the story and can't recall what words of insightful wit I posted. Typical.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Your words conjured up many colourful images along the journey.

What kind of wine will you be serving at the book signing?

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Dear FrankandMary: Wow thank you for the wonderful complement. Comparing me to my favorite author! You know the best the best way to this gals heart.

Ana: I am trying... now for the real thing... maybe.

Aishoka: Just trying to get brave here.

GB: Stop skipping ahead!

I wish! I would love to have that kind of success! Yes, if anyone is listening. I would sell out.

Lulu: Consider her or him on their way!

Mapstew: Don't worry I'll hold your hand! ;)

Mutley: Yes, that could have happened. But it would make for a much shorter book.

Madame: Don't worry I always insightful and witty. That is way I adore you so. Can I be you when I grow up? If I do that is.

Jimmy: I am glad you are well. You always do my heart good.